so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
