My friends, they love my intelligence
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize
