i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Randomize
