I wish you could order shots online.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
