My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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