then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Randomize
