The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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