I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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