Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Yep Great. Apparently I didn't just say things once that night. Drink. Yell. Repeat.
U also mentioned u werent wearing any underwear hahahaha
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
