if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Randomize
