just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Randomize
