My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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