ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
