She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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