remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
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