rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
