I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Randomize
