Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Randomize
