she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
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