got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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