a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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