The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
