Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
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Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
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We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
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