This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
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