apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
