I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Randomize
