rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize
