I never want to see another naked old woman again.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
