I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Randomize
