My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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