Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
