as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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