i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
we need to get ahold of those "sexting" teens on tyra. HAWT!
wasnt one 13?
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
