Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Randomize
