It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
