Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
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