Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
