I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
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