Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
I fill condoms, not promises.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize
