I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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