so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
