i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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