Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
