Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
I checked into jail on foursquare
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I feel like a drive thru vagina
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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