There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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