He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
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I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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