Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
