I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
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He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
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THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
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