my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
