Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Vodka?
Forever.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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