you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
