eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
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