no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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