I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Randomize
