I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
