In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
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